The C word

** This post was written two years ago. I forgot to publish it. Kept searching the site for the post as I was so sure it was written... and realized that there was a reason the publish button was not hit at the time** Have done a rewrite of sorts..

Two years ago, when the India trip was coming to a close, my MIL was told by doctors in India that she most likely had Lympohoma. This was literally the day of her flight back. She decided to come here as planned and go through treatment here. The good news was that she had something but it was not lymphoma. The bad news was that she was poked and prodded for a good two weeks with bone marrow tests, repeated scans of every kind etc. and we were in the hospital a lot. 

This photograph was taken two years ago at Kaiser's Oncology ward when MIL and me were waiting (think it was first or second week of August). "They have nice wall colors"  is what I remember thinking while staring at the walls.

I was very busy with a presentation due for the Memory summit and we were taking turns with hospital visits. San does not like needles, and that translated to me going with MIL for all the tests. The night before the bone marrow test, I had gone to bed at 2AM, and the next morning had not shaved. The stress of the previous week (including that engine failure event on Cathay Pacific, a fight to Asia in the middle of a storm, work work and more work pressure)  was showing on my face. Had dark circles around my eyes. The MIL on the other hand was going through a "I am going to live like every day is my last day" phase. She got up, dressed nicely, wore her diamond earings, put on some makeup.. you get the idea.

We are sitting here waiting to be called in. A really nice nurse (think her name was Isabella..  still remember her name after 2 years. she was a really sweet person. I remember thinking "one has to have exceptional people skills to deal with the folks in this waiting room") walks out and goes "Suguna?" and we look at her. She walks to us, grabs me by the hand and goes "let's get this test done with sweetie. It will hurt, but we will try to be as quick as possible". 

My MIL and me were both laughing. She didn't get it first. Don't think she is used to folks smiling and laughing as a response to what she said. Then I told her "I am not the one for the test. She is!" and she said "I would not have guessed!"

After that test and more PET scans, they decided that she had enlarged lymph nodes but we have to go to a "wait and watch" strategy and there was no sign of Cancer in her bone marrow test. 

Then it did not stop there. The scan showed nodules everywhere in her body. So it was zeored down to three things. Tuberculosis, some other disease that affects farm workers in central valley caused by a fungus in the air or some such thing, a thrid unprounceable disease which had no proper detection or cure (I am not making this up).

That brings up the second incident within that same week. So we were sent to the lung infection disease department. As soon as we check in there, the nurse gave a single mask to the MIL. I thought "okay, they are taking a precaution because they don't want to get what she might have". Then I thought "but we are living with her and we are not wearing masks". So we go to the waiting room and the nurse is wearing a mask! 

I was asking the nurse, how come you are wearing a mask and she is wearing one and I am the only one without a mask. She did not even answe me.. mumbled something and said "doc will be in soon". The "doc" was also wearing a mask. I remember telling the MIL how scary it was to be the only maskless person in that office! She was laughing and I clicked this. By then she was happier that the Cancer diagnosis had given way to more complex things which were either curable or she was unlikely to have!

Eventually after two weeks of tests and follow ups, she has been going through a once in six month's scan to check the nodules. Apparently it is like a chess game. If they grow, the docs will attack it. If they attack first, the nodules might retalliate. This thing has become something of a background issue now as the MIL just goes about her routine. 

This taught us a lot of lessons on how anyone anytime is susceptible to cancer. 

My way of overcoming extreme stress was to see a lighter side in things.. Sometimes it is appropriate, other times, timing might not be right and I end up digging out an old unpublished post from two years ago..

We are all grateful that MIL ended up okay after those two weeks! We are also more conscious of one thing.. It is more important to do things you want to do and not procrastinate.. if there is a choice between eating healthy, exercising, praying, watching for your health and living in constant vigil vs. just focussing on things that make you happy... you pick the latter. Why? because no matter how healthy you eat or exercise or pray, the C word can get you. At least if you live happy, you have less regrets!

That was a persective change!

A symbolic victory?

It has been a rocky three weeks. Lots of ups and downs.. both literally and figuratively. Figuratively because we made a trip to the east coast with family for four days and visited Pittsburgh and had a really great time with family. 

Kids got a detailed education on the family tree from the fathers side during this trip. We did three road trips in three days and visited Heritage sites, national/ state parks, the temple, not to mention Niagra falls. That was the up. The down was that I had multiple international trips and was sick for the most part and flying, even with a biz class upgrade was not a pleasant experience when your ear and entire face hurts at every takeoff and landing. 

The literal part of course was the number of flights in a 20 day period. Have not had a crazier travel schedule in the last two years. 

This intense schedule has made my yoga attendance near zero. Have gone to yoga class twice in 15 days. Many times I have wanted to drag my butt to the hot room inspite of multiple systems failing but decided against it. Today was different. Decided to go and give it a shot anyways. 

You see, this is not new. Most of my friends think that I am crazy to go do Hot Yoga when I have a sinus infection, sore throat or a 101 fever. Let me tell you something though. It actually works! As long as you are confident that you won't pass out in the room and are hydrated enough before class, you come out in better shape than you went in! 

This morning I was pitting multicolored phlegm, couldn't talk above a whisper and the place behind my cheekbones felt numb after repeated attempts to clear my sinus. My ears were hurting as well since the last flight and would pop on and off for no reason. 

While I got a few weird looks from the fellow yogis in the room for repeated coughing during the initial breathing exercise, the rest of the class got better and better. In sequence :

First your lungs clear during the breathing exercise. 

Second, your sinuses drain on to your mat (which is kind of gross but totally relieving) when you do hands to feet pose and get out of the pose. 

Third and this is the best part.. you break into a sweat by the time you are doing the third pose (Eagle pose). Now this is the best part because I think (cannot prove it) that the virus or bacteria that are fighting the body kind of give up when the body breaks into a sweat. Kind of like war time where one party hoists their flag up the fort and the other guys see that as an indication and just give up. Given the body goes into a sweat when it wins the fight against intruding bacteria or virus, this is probably a fake move.. but I will take it! 

The minute you break into a sweat and shiver a little bit in a hot room, magically you feel alright! (Not sure if others have observed this, but I have at least five times so far). 

By the time you do the stretching pose with your head to the floor, anything else left in my sinus is gone! I can breathe again and for a few seconds my body tries to grapple with what just happened. In another 10-15 minutes we are on the floor and I ace this part of the class and come out of the room practically feeling like every other class! 

I have managed to yell at Jr. once for not coming to eat lunch with us and the little one for picking up silly fights with her sister. They are both happy that daddy is getting back to normal and is yelling at them as usual. That also means that daddy is now responding when they try to push my buttons as opposed to "I don't care anymore as I am sick". Girls can be cruel that way. They cannot handle it when  you leave them alone. 

Anyways, now that I am getting my voice back and my breathing is back, going to start working again and process the hundreds of photographs still to be downloaded! 

One has to be blessed to be able to go do Yoga.. for those of you who have the luxury of a fixed time job with no travel, you have no idea how much I envy you! 

On a side note, a friend asked "how come you do yoga so regularly and yet you fall sick?"

My response ? "Sure my immunity is better but I am constantly traveling and picking up germs. If I had a routine between work, yoga and home, I do much better!" and that is true. 

Have you ever tried to wipe the tray table, arm rest, window and monitor with a wet wipe before the flight takes off? It will become black! That is how much crap is there on planes and they don't clean them anymore. 

Enough with the rant. On with life. Photoshop and powerpoint beckon...as do the kids!

Same Same but Different

Every year, Bikram Yoga San Jose has a 60 day Challenge that starts in January. This year, I got into the Challenge reluctantly, knowing that there were three possible Asia trips in those 60 days. 

The teachers said "sign up and see how far you go. you never know". Well, they know me, alright! Once they put my name on that board (twice), it was not going to be easy to give up on the challenge. 

It was a torment. I would come back from a trip and look at my star stickers trailing behind the rest of the stars and "sigh" audibly before entering the class. My biggest challenge was accepting the possibility that I might not do 60 classes in 60 days. 

With a lot of encouragement from San and the kids as well as the teachers, and a lot of doubles (do two classes in one day, sometimes back to back) the stars all added up to 60! Finished the challenge and was off to catch a 12 hour flight. 

Given my sanity is constantly tested by a workload that fluctuates by the hour, working across multiple timezones to a point where I am constantly awake, the yoga has definitely helped me from going postal. 

This is not my first challenge. It is my third (fourth if you count the fact that MIL and me did 91 classses in our first 100 days of starting Bikram Yoga in 2011.. back then we did not know much about this Challenge).

Have written about this experience in 2013 and 2014. Went back to the blog and was missing the 2015 post. Looks like I did the usual graphs and charts, wrote about it and never hit the Publish button, thanks to fighting strange rashes that come with frequent travel?! right after the Challenge.

People call me a "technologist".. I am turning into a "technoyogist". What kind of technoyogi does a post on Yoga that involves counting to 60, without graphs and charts?! 

That kind of sums up the whole challenge. It was not steady progress like the previous two years. It was stop and go. Practiced 6 times between leaving work on Friday to coming back on Monday. My original thought was that I would be dead before Monday morning, but reality was something else. Went to work and felt great. So the number of classes you do over a weekend doesn't matter, as long as you hydrate and rest properly. Zico coconut water was and is my best friend now. If some day, I put a bar in the house for some strange reason, it will only have Zico on tap. 

Then came the surprise after the Challenge. Picked up some strange rash and most of March was a wash with work, with family and Yoga. My extended family often challenged me with things like "you do all this yoga and still get sick. maybe it is the yoga!" .. friends were talking about "yoga overdose".. and once the jokes and jibes start, the hits just keep on coming.

Doing yoga does not make you invincible. It helps you optimize your strength vs. flexibilty, makes sure your hormone glands are all firing right, and helps with your immunity so your body can fight things better. My auto immune disorder and allergies are known to everyone close to me. You bring me close to a range of things like dogs,  cats, sesame seeds, peanuts, chinese juniper, shellfish (and a long list of things) and I can go from normal to strugling in a few seconds. My body probably did a better job fighting the rash, thanks to Yoga. 

Can I prove it? No. Can I disprove it? again, No.  The Yogis in the Himalayas had a much better deal than me, because they didn't have to share recirculated air in a tin can with 400 people for 12-14 hours on a regular basis.  This was like wearing a bullet proof vest and walking into a war zone. Chances are you still get shot in the face. 

The same thing applies to the sudden outburst of emotion when I am on a call and one of my kids screams in the background. Just because you do Yoga, doesn't mean you become a stoic overnight or you become a stoic ever. There is nothing wrong with going from zero to angry in 4 seconds. What is important is how long does it take you to come from Angry to zero? if you can do it in three deep breaths with 6 seconds in and 6 seconds out (24 seconds) you got me beat. That is my bench mark today. It takes me 24 seconds (20 sometimes) to calm down from anything. That is all thanks to Yoga.

The weight tracking after every yoga class is still on. Somehow I have either put on a good 10 pounds between July to December of 2014 or the battery change in the weighing scale has reset the calibration! Will post this graph at the end of 2015 and see what it shows. Right now the weight is more or less steady at 145 +/- 2 lbs. 

Why do this Challenge at all?

Is it to feed the type A personality trait?

Is it some kind of death wish?

Is there any difference that I noticed after the 2nd and 3rd challenge ?

What did I gain by doing this?  

Did I even enjoy doing this?

Those were the most common questions I got in water cooler conversations or at kids birthday parties when the guys or ladies are talking about my Yoga experience.

So here are some answers.

The first time I did the challenge, it was purely a "type A" thing. No shame in admitting it. Everyone at the studio was going "ooh" and "aah" about how great this experience was and someone mentioned that this is "not easy" and "not everyone can do it". Well, "I am not everyone" was the theme in my life at that time.. (okay, it is a repeating theme) and we went. (we = me and my mother in law, who is a type A+ personality, who encouraged me to do it. As my only "local parent", she did the right thing and I am forever grateful to her for doing that).

When the challenge was done though, it was a humbling experience, not a power trip. It put a lot of things in perspective. One can accomplish a lot at work and home, but how far can you push your body, within a two feet by six feet space, that we call a yoga mat? Once you do the same thing regularly and continuously, your body kind of starts remembering things and you start seeing changes. I always thought this concept of "muscle memory" was a bunch of bull. I was wrong! My abs never looked better than after that 60 days. 

The second time, I signed up, because January to March is Flu season here. The previous year, I had successfully managed to evade the flu, in spite of everyone in the house having it. Thought of the Challenge as a flu beater and it did help. My work was crazy in 2014 and at the time and the challenge kept me sane.

This time the learning was different. No two challenges are alike. Different year, different set of issues that have to be overcome. Also realized that poses that were not favorites the previous year, became my "look forward to" poses in the next year and vice versa.  It just shows how your body changes over time. At the end of this challenge I really wanted to ask my teacher if she will write me a recommendation for teacher training. My family and collegues nicely reminded me of my commitments, and I put that wish in the "after this job is done" list.

This year, it was probably a type A thing as well. I was fighting with myself and I won. Could not accept the thought of not finishing after signing up. Do not know if that is a good or bad thing. Sometimes I do not like the me, that stares back from the mirror. Do not understand why it is acceptance of that person that I seek, instead of a determined fight to change that person. Maybe that is the first step to eventually changing?

If you have done the challenge multiple times, the biggest changes you will see, are with your breath and your thought process. The poses are not going to magically improve because you do the challenge. Not in depth anyways. Your form will improve but that is something I have learnt to cherish only after many a teacher has knocked it into my pig head that "form is more important than depth". Even today, the teacher told us "going 90 miles per hour into a ditch is not the goal here. Going straight and steady at 35 miles per hour will still get you places".

If you are doing this challenge for the 2nd or 3rd or n-th time, chances are, you are a regular, and every day is a challenge for you. Still, you get to literally see your body change radically over a two month timeframe. Your core strength improves by orders of magnitude!

However, if you have just started on this journey, it is quite a treat to go through this experience. You WILL see changes with your body and your mind. 

The last question always puts a smile on my face. Do you enjoy doing this? That is a tough one. In all honesty, every class, no matter weather the starting state was one of euphoria or depresssion, ends the same way. I come out singing inside my hear in Gloria Gaynor's voice "and I .. I will survive.. and I survived that 90 minutes of fighting, with my body and my mind".

Not sure if anyone in that room actually "enjoys" it while the class is going on. Mostly folks stare at themselves with a frustrated, constipated or angry face except when the teachers crack a joke or remind people to smile. There are three ladies who are an exception to this. They always have a smile on their face. Either they are seasoned pro's, or air hostesses who cannot undo their smiles. Those are my theories.

Every Yoga class is like making mysore pak for me.  It takes forever to make it and you sweat it out in the kitchen, standing in front of a hot stove, but when you taste the sweet after it is done, it was all worth the effort! Walking back to the car after class, looking up at the sky, smelling the cold air (it is usually cold compared to the hot room) and driving back in silence knowing you are better off today than yesterday, always makes the hard work in the class, worth it.

Definitely recommend trying a Challenge. There is a good chance that you will surprise yourself with what you find out about your own abilities!